Money, I Love You — The Dancing Curtain

MY LOVE STORY TO MONEY

Last night Alicia Keys' "This Girl is On Fire" played in my eardrums. I tried to sleep but I heard poetry inside.

I needed to write, "My Love Story to Money" and I couldn't wait another moment.

This is the writing that came pouring out. This is the story that needed to be written.

Dear Money,

I am sorry I pushed you away. And saved you for a rainy day.

And now that rainy day is here and you’re not good enough.

I’m not good enough.

I wanted to be approved.

You bought me a bright shiny car.

A four-star education.

You raised me in the safest neighborhood

in all of suburban Connecticut.

You kept me safe.

You rewarded me with a four-year academic scholarship

to my college of choice.

You bought me all the stylish clothes

And New York City hairstylists.

But I just wanted to be loved.

I didn’t need it so easy.

I didn’t want anyone to be jealous of me

And what I had.

I just wanted to be seen and approved.

Not seen and booed.

I know you loved me and wanted me to have the best things.

An apartment in NYC

In the Village

on Bleecker Street.

An apartment on the West Side

In a loft apartment.

I had it good. I had it easy.

But I just wanted to be pleased.

I just wanted them to like me.

So I shooed all the gifts you gave me from the sky.

Like the wad of cash I found on the sidewalk,

I just passed by thinking,

“Wow, that is a lot of money! But I don’t deserve it.

Someone else could use it more than me.

Won’t they be surprised?

Won’t it make their lucky day?

That I just turned away

And cast a blind eye.

That I gave them the gift that was meant for me.”

I always had everything I wanted.

There was nothing that I couldn’t achieve.

Except love.

Always seeking love.

But everyone too caught up in all of my possessions.

All my bright shiny possessions.

“Thinking you have it easy.”

“You have it all.”

“I wish I could be like you.

But I struggle. I hustle.

I’m not a rich girl like you. I can’t relate to you.”

I wanted to take away their struggles so that they could have time to be with me.

To have a cup of tea.

But they were too busy in their frenzy.

I started to give them everything they wanted. Everything I owned.

To make life easier for them.

“Here have this. It means nothing to me.

Have it. Have it all.

I don’t need all this.

I don’t want this.

I never asked for this.

I never fought for this.

I never struggled for this.”

I know it was my gift from you.

I know they didn’t appreciate it too.

I know they took and never did I receive.

I know it wasn’t balanced.

I know I was the pleaser, but not pleased.

I know I tipped the scales.

I know I didn’t attract any males.

I know I didn’t feel worthy of having everything so easy.

What did I do?

My parents had money. It wasn’t my money.

I never had anything on my own. Only what they gave me.

They gave generously to me.

And I saved.

Money/possessions didn’t mean anything to me.

I wanted friends, romance, love.

Money doesn’t buy love.

Since I tried to give it away again and again and again.

Finally you took the cue; I didn’t want your gifts.

I didn’t want you.

I wanted something that you couldn’t give me.

LOVE.

I wanted something that I didn’t think I deserved.

I wanted something my parents didn’t give freely.

I broke your heart and you walked away.

But without you, things didn’t get easier. My life didn’t improve.

Instead it became more miserable.

I didn’t attract love.

I didn’t attract attention.

I got myself into a dark hole.

I couldn’t get out.

I was alone.

Alone, knowing that it was my fault.

I had abandoned you.

Pushed you aside.

Thinking I didn’t need you.

That you were the problem.

But it wasn’t you.

You were not the problem.

It was me.

All me.

Thinking that I wanted to be equal to all who were suffering.

Thinking that I wanted to end this jealousy and that the solution was discarding you.

Getting rid of my valuables to make me more valuable.

But I was always valuable.

I just didn’t know it.

Those were not my true friends.

Takers.

Jealousy makers.

Fakers.

Who needs them?

You were kind and funny and true.

You knew me. You knew what I could do.

You knew my likes and dislikes, my dreams and wishes.

You wanted me to be happy.

You valued me.

You liked me.

You loved me.

I wish I had acknowledged you.

I wish I hadn’t pushed you away.

If I hadn’t pushed you aside, how much easier these last few years would have been.

You believed in me, didn’t you?

I just had to be patient, to wait and see the full picture, didn’t I?

I just had to wait a little longer, didn’t I?

I was young.

I was rash.

I wanted it all.

I’m sorry. I hope you can see that I didn’t mean to be rude and unthankful.

I was just trying to fit in.

I just wanted to be loved and accepted.

I thought jealousy was my fault.

That I had done something wrong.

But now I am ashamed.

I am ashamed for struggling so much and so hard.

A grown woman who doesn’t have a mature relationship with money.

A grown woman who doesn’t have much of her own.

A grown woman who is dependent on her parents.

A grown woman who doesn’t think she can do it on her own.

A grown woman who doesn’t respect money

And is so desperate for him to return.

What a fool I’ve been!!

How can I expect you to forgive me?

Why would you forgive me?

Why would you want to be with me now?

I’m not the fun girl I used to be.

I’m scared.

I’m a workaholic.

I don’t live in New York City anymore.

I live at home with my parents.

BOR-ING.

I can understand that you would want to be with more exciting peeps like the

celebrities and stars in California.

I can understand that you feel comfortable with those in corporate America

who depend on you.

But an artist/entrepreneur? I am so unreliable.

I’m confused. I’m lost.

Do I even know what I want most of the time?

I’m decisive. I’m unclear.

And I know money loves clarity.

I have some work to do on myself.

But I hope you’ll come back.

I hope you can give me a second chance.

I’m clearer now.

I need you.

I love you.

I want you back in my life again.

Does that remind you of the Carpenters’ song?

“I want you back in my life again.

I don’t want to be your remember when.”

I hope you can forgive me.

I hope you’ll take another chance on me.

And not give up hope.

I screwed up.

I know.

I made a mistake.

It was a huge lesson.

I will be more discerning with my friendships

And not sell my soul to get them.

I can be successful

And loved.

They are not mutually exclusive.

It’s not this or that.

I want both now.

Thank you for the little birthday gifts. I know they were from you:

Free tickets to a show this weekend.

Movie tickets,

Dinner.

Unexpected presents.

Could it be that you still care?

But that you have been waiting for me to come around?

Have you always been there waiting in the shadows?

Waiting in the wings?

Watching me from afar?

I know you didn’t mean to make life hard for me.

You only wanted my best.

I can see that now.

Things were so good when we were together.

Some of the best times in my life.

I have so many good memories.

I hope you do too.

I no longer want you for a rainy day.

I want you every day.

I want you today.

Please come back into my life.

I love you.

Much love and gratitude,

Khristee Rich

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What did you think of my Love Story? Do you relate? What's your Money Love Story? I’d love if you leave me a comment below.